Im very secretive

Im a very secretive person. Im secretive when I dont even need to be. For some reason I need to keep bits of myself very private. Especially from anyone thats close to me. I worry about being judged. I feel great fear rising in me as I type this. Im not a bad person. I dont need to hide. But I do. For fear of annoying or upsetting people. I hide books, I delete websites, I hide away. All for fear of upsetting people. I fantasise about living alone, so I dont upset anyone. My real name is Pauls, which means small. Ive alsways kept myself small. Shy and small. Is it who I truly am?. Or did I become this way because of the great monster I lived with when I was little. She scared the bjesus out of me. I like that word cos Im not allowed to say it. jesus, God…no god jesus, mary and joseph (me pretending Im Irish)  Anyway I learnt to hide away and stay small and unseen when I was little. It was easier that way. Dont upset the monster. Dont annoy anyone. Dont ever wake anyone from a sleep, especially me. Its one of the most disrespectful things you can do. Leave everyone alone. Take care of yourself and dont bother anyone ever. My anxiety is up writing this. Its ok . Its just for me . Who knows who cleanfairy is and who fucking cares and if anyone reads this and thinks badly of me they can just fuck right off. One day I may stop hiding. Who knows. I sure as fuck dont.


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