This is my first ever blogpost and I feel quite nervous and excited doing it. I dont even know if at the end of all my waffle it will show up on the screen or just get lost as I really dont know much about navigating my way around computers, however Im going to be brave and give it a go.
Which requires that I let go of my perfectionism, which is really just a polite word for the tiny scared little me that avoids doing new thing and taking risks so I dont have to experince that dreaded felling of anxiety and fear. Not much of a way to live life but probably the way that up to this point I have lived mine.
However in 3 weeks time Im about to go on the biggest adventure of my life. Im going to France for 3 weeks with my partner and although this may not sound like a big deal to a lot of people, to me its huge. It would have been easy and my usual stlye to say no to the trip based on all my fears. Fear of flying. Fear of leaving my safe house. Fear of freaking out and panic attacks. However I didnt say no. I said yes. I would go. So now Im getting ready to go on the biggest adventure of my life. I get to see my son and his wife and two grandchildren that I havnt met. So exciting. And so scary. The actual travel experience, not meeting the grandchildren.
I also beleive that this trip is going to change me. Make me a braver person because I said yes to something that deep down I was terribly afraid of. My son had asked me many times to come to France. He would pay. But always I made some lame excuse as to why I couldnt at that time. One day I would but not at this time. Work, dogs, Reuben, I just couldnt do it but the truth was I was bloody scared. So then my son makes it easy for me and offers to pay for me and my partner to fly to France. And I knew I had to say yes. For many reasons. To stop being such a scardy cat. To see my son who I love and miss. To meet the wee grandchildren and help out with babys arrival. To see another country and how they live. But especially to just bloody say yes when I always say no.
When I was in my easrly 20s I decided with some friends to go parachuting. We were crazy drunk when we decided but the next day I just kinda went along with it until 3 months later Im jumping solo from a plane at 3000 feet. Purely because I didnt want to pull out and shame myself. I can be very stubborn. Anyway, part of the reason for doing the jump was if I could jump from a plane, I could do anything. I would be cured of all my insecurities and anxieties. I beleive it may have been after the great jump that I started having my first anxiety attacks. However thats another story for another day.
This post is about new beginnings and new adventures but I have started this blog also to write about my past. A past that will bring up many emotions for me. I feel them already as I type this. It will all be part of my healing. And it will all be for me. Thats why I will try not to edit too much. Eeeek I want to edit now, so I will try to find a post button and just throw it out there. Onwards xxxx